


Messed Up

by SpiffyK



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Callum Highway, Infidelity, M/M, soft Ben Mitchell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 15:06:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19253635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiffyK/pseuds/SpiffyK
Summary: Ben had expected some pushback of course, people don't change overnight. But the avoidance, the proposal, the PDA and then Callum's denial that anything had even happened between them - It hurt more than Ben had been prepared for.





	Messed Up

**Author's Note:**

> I think Ben is a bit more OOC in this, but I do love me some soft, slightly broken Ben.

Ben really never meant for this happen. He'd thought the lad was attractive when he first met him, those big blue eyes and soft bottom lip, those ridiculous ears, dimples in his cheeks. But he was still nothing more than a passing thought until that day he'd seen him on the swing. Frustrated and angry, there was more there. There was depth to him, more than Ben had expected from someone with such a guileless smile. 

Callum was fun to tease, he flustered more than Keanu did and at the time Ben wasn't sure if he had seen a spark or if it had just been his own wishful thinking and then... And then Callum and his big hands had pinned him to that door and his breathing had stuttered and his pretty eyes had dropped to Ben's lips.

The moment of realisation had been ecstasy. The punch hadn't been quite so much fun. But no one actually straight would have reacted that way.

Ben still didn't intend for this. He felt himself slipping the more he spoke to Callum, honesty has never been a big part of his personality and he never intended to tell anyone about Paul and the pain of his loss. The connection to Callum grew beyond what what he thought was possible. It hurt when Stuart cornered him, not so much physically but that Callum had gone to Stuart in the first place. But he remembered how hard it can be to face yourself and he could understand that. 

And then that night, Ben found himself being more honest with Callum than he had been with anyone else in years and that first kiss had woken something in him he didn't think was even there anymore. It was the way Callum had touched him, with urgency and reverence, the eager way he'd kissed and moved with him, the soft excited sounds he'd made. 

The way he'd made Ben feel wanted. 

Ben had expected some pushback of course, people don't change overnight. But the avoidance, the proposal, the PDA and then Callum's denial that anything had even happened between them - It hurt more than Ben had been prepared for. 

He'd come back with his big plans of destroying Phil Mitchell's life, but it was proving far more difficult than he had been expecting. All he'd had for days was grief off everyone. No one seemed to trust him. No one even seemed to like him.

Nothing had changed. He was still Ben Mitchell, perpetual fuck up. The only person that had ever truly loved and wanted and needed him was gone and wasn't coming back. 

He'd left his mum's house that evening with the intention of hooking up with someone, just to forget, just for a little while but he'd looked twice at the picture of the bloke and saw the resemblance to Callum. He got as far as the minute mart where he bought a cheap bottle of vodka and headed over to the car lot to shut the porta cabin door and drink alone.

It's getting late now, almost full dark and a third of the bottle is gone. He contemplates going home but doesn't think he can face going into a house where everyone leaves the room when he enters, except for his mother who presses too close to try and make up for all those years she let him believe she was dead.

He takes another swig of vodka and the office door opens, he half expects it to be Jay, but it's not.

"We're closed." Ben says. 

"I ain't here for a car."

"This is a car lot Callum.If you ain't here for a car then get out." Ben takes another swallow of vodka. 

"Are you drunk?" Callum asks, he closes the office door behind him and stands looking awkward, fingers fiddling with the cuffs of his jacket. 

"Not yet." Ben responds with another gulp. "I've built up something of a tolerance these days, but hopefully within a few years I'll be dying on a transplant list somewhere." He smirks, as purposefully cold and unfeeling as he can manage. 

"Don't say that." Callum takes a step closer to him, his expressive face dips into sadness, mouth and eyebrows down turned. Typical of Ben to hurt others so easily. 

"Why do you care?" Ben gets up and steps around the desk, gesturing with the vodka bottle. "We don't know each other, do we? I sold you a dodgy motor and we had a few drinks in E20 and Nothing. Else. Remember?" Ben takes a deep breath and turns away. His chest aches. He swallows more vodka. 

"Ben I... I'm sorry for what I said." Callum moves closer, touches Ben's shoulder but Ben shrugs him off.

"Great.You can go now." Ben just wants him to leave, let him wallow in self-pity and drink until he can put the pieces of himself back together and press it all back down inside until he can barely feel it anymore. 

"I don't wanna go." Callum says, Ben can feel him at his back again, his breath on his neck. "I want you."

Ben spins in anger and shoves Callum away, his back hits the wall of the porta cabin. "Are you having a laugh? After what you said?!" 

Callum leans against the wall, rubs his hands over his face, like he does when he's stressed and then takes a deep breath, fixes those big blue eyes on Ben. "I'm sorry. I should never have said those things! I never meant to say those things. I panicked! I was scared. I still am." He steps closer and takes the bottle of vodka from Ben's hand, puts it on the desk. "But I can't stop thinking about you. About us." His honesty is physically painful and Ben desperately wants to turn away, but he can't. 

"Don't do this. Please." Ben tilts his head to look up at Callum, he doesn't mean for anyone to ever see him like this, but Callum breaks him open without trying.

"I'm sorry," Callum says again. "I take back everything I said." He reaches up with one hand, gently cups Ben's jaw, strokes a thumb over his cheek. "I see you, Ben. I get you." He leans in closer. "I want you."

Ben closes his eyes and holds his breath when Callum finally kisses him again. Callum is soft and careful with him, like so few other people in his life, one hand stroking through Ben's hair and the other resting on his waist. It cracks Ben open and he grips at Callum's jacket and t-shirt with needy fingers.

"You can't do that to me again." Ben says, breaking the kiss. He sounds desperate and wanting even to his own ears, but somehow he can't stop himself. "No more avoiding me. I can't.… I never expected this."

"Me either." Callum smiles softly, hopefully. "No more avoiding you, I don't want to pretend this isn't happening. I need more time to sort things with Whit, but this - me and you - I want this. I finally feel...Whole."

"You're not the only one." Ben says, he pulls Callum down into a deep searching kiss as he pushes Callum's jacket off his shoulders and yanks at his t-shirt. He wants to be with Callum again, again and again and make this something that Callum can't deny. Make Ben something he can't deny. 

Callum breaks their kiss to pull off his t-shirt and unfasten the buttons of Ben's polo shirt and tug it over his head. They meet again together for another stregthening, weakening kiss and Callum's big hands explore Ben's torso, brushing over his chest, thumb catching a nipple, squeezing his waist to pull him closer. 

Ben's own hands roam over Callum's pale skin, there's a strength and width to his shoulders that Ben likes and his chest is nicely toned and there's a softness to his middle. Ben rakes his fingers up Callum's sides and finds that tangle of scar tissue he'd felt before. 

Callum's lips leave Ben's and move down, kissing his chin and then along his jawline, stubble scratching and teeth nipping at his neck. Ben sinks a hand into Callum's hair, fingers scraping, while his other strokes over the scar on his side.

"What is this?" Ben asks, fingertips tracing the odd shape of the scar.

Callum freezes and there's a long pause before he answers, "It's from the army." He stays tucked into Ben's neck, breath stuttering against Ben's ear, his chest gasps against Ben's. 

"You don't have to tell me. Just... Does it still hurt?" Ben asks, he's not so stupid to push the issue when Callum so clearly does not want to talk about it. He hopes, somewhere deep down inside his chest, that one day Callum might open up to him. That all their secrets might be shared. Even his own, a terrifying and liberating thought. 

"No, not physically anyway." Callum sighs into Ben's neck before lifting his head and kissing Ben's lips. "Everyone's a little messed up." 

Ben smiles softly and drags Callum into another kiss, more desperate this time, he bites Callum's thick bottom lip and Callum groans, he grips Ben tight at the hips, pulls him closer and up onto his toes. He turns on the spot, pushing Ben to lean back against the desk. Callum breaks the kiss, leaves Ben panting into the air and sinks down to his knees. 

He squeezes Ben's knees, then his thighs and his hands shake as he reaches for the button and zip of Ben's jeans. He swallows hard and seems to hyper focus on his shaking hands.

Ben takes a moment to string his words together, he's never seen anything more attractive than Callum nervous and on his knees, "What are you doing down there?" 

"I've never done this before." Callum says, his cheeks are red with blush and his lips are already swollen, his still shaking fingers rest against Ben's stiff cock. 

Ben can't help but smile and brushes his fingers through Calum's now untidy hair. "Do you really want to?" 

"I... You did it for me." Callum replies.

Ben laughs, "I wanted to, you numpty. We're not keeping score. Get up here." He takes Callum's hands and pulls him back to his feet, "It doesn't matter what we do, as long..." Ben swallows and tugs Callum down to press their foreheads together, "As long as it's us."

Callum smiles, "Soft."

"Shut up." Ben bites Callum's soft bottom lip before taking Callum's hands again and leading them back to the fastening of his jeans. "Touch me."

He smirks when Callum groans and struggles to open his jeans as quick as possible. Ben returns the favour, unbuckling Callum's belt and jeans and sliding his hand inside. 

Ben's a desperate mess after that, kissing Callum eager and hot as his large, firm hand grips Ben in his boxers. Callum kisses along Ben's jaw and Ben can't stop the noises he makes, doesn't want to. 

The moment is different to the last time. That first time was pure adrenaline, eager ecstasy, he remembers how Callum had felt under his hands and in his mouth and the noises that they'd made, but this. Ben will remember every second of this, Callum gasping Ben's name in his ear, the grip of his fingers, the way he crowds close and the way he smells. Ben loves the way Callum's muscles move in his arm and shoulders as he works Ben over, he pushes closer and Ben has to spread his thighs further to make room for him. 

"Tighter." Ben gasps as they separate from another eager, biting kiss. Callum groans, tucks his face into Ben's collarbone, grips tighter and presses his thumb in just the right way. Ben comes, digging his fingers into Callum's waist and Callum follows a few seconds after, biting down on Ben's shoulder.

Callum sags against him, breathing hard, kissing up Ben's neck, scraping their stubble together. "Was that... All right?" He asks, planting a quick kiss on Ben's mouth. 

Ben snorts, out of breath."Is that a real question?" 

Callum smiles, his cheeks are still flushed a deep pink, irises still blown wide and dimples flashing in his cheeks.

"You're gorgeous." Ben says, sliding his hand from Callum's jeans and brushing his fingertips over the still twitching muscles of his stomach. Callum colours further and presses a string of soft kisses to Ben's lips. 

Ben groans when Callum slips his hand out of his jeans, "There's blue roll by the filing cabinet."

It takes Callum a moment to pull himself together enough to stand up properly and move around the desk. They clean themselves up as best they can with the blue roll, Ben stays seated on the desk, pulls Callum back into the the space he'd made between Ben's thighs and kisses him, slow and lingering. 

He doesn't want this to end, this moment between the two of them, to go back to a house full of people who don't like him, for Callum to go back to Whitney. He doesn't know how long this might last. The good things in his life never do. The happiness, the times when he can be soft, when he can just be Ben have always been few and far between, they happen less and less as he gets older and every punch, every insult chips that little bit more away. But these stolen minutes with Callum make him feel alive again, he fills up the empty spaces in Ben with his dimpled smiles and the way he looks at Ben like he's something worth looking at. 

Maybe tomorrow Callum will deny him again, maybe tomorrow Ben will break that little bit more... But maybe these small moments are worth it. Even if Ben himself is not. 

"Tomorrow, you won't -"

"I won't, I promise." Callum cups his jaw, thumb stroking over his cheek. Ben aches to believe him. "We have to be careful for Whit, just for a little bit. But it's you and me now, yeah? Her and Tiff are going shopping tomorrow, if you're not doing owt?" His fingers brush down the middle of Ben's chest. 

"I'll make sure of it." Ben grins, maybe tomorrow won't be so bad. He plants another kiss on Callum's mouth. 

When they break apart Callum fastens his jeans and picks up their clothes, pulling on his t-shirt and passing Ben his, sliding into his jacket. Ben redresses and hops off the desk, he grabs his jacket and twists the top back on the forgotten bottle of vodka. 

"Gimme that." Callum holds his hand out. 

"I ain't gonna drink no more." Ben says, well he might have had a few sips when he got home just to help him sleep. 

Callum doesn't move, still holding his hand out. 

Ben rolls his eyes, "Fine." He presses the bottle into Callum's hand. 

"Tomorrow, then?" Callum grins and moves toward the door and Ben follows him out, flicking off the light and locking the porta cabin door.

Tomorrow.


End file.
